Guilting Eyes

Anatomy practical is coming up. Since I failed the first one, I kind of need to do well on this one. B is a must. So I went into the lab today. It was a scheduled event, so it's not like I put too much effort into it. But as soon as I started reviewing with a group of my peers and an instructor, I realized how many details of anatomy I had let my group completely gloss over during our dissections. Panic has now descended.

I am not too worried about the abdomen, because everything is more or less straightforward. Hey! That vessel going to the spleen? It's either the splenic artery or the splenic vein. 50% chance of getting that right! Yay! The neck is another story. And I do not know how fond of studying it I will be since I made a horrible discovery today.

Our body, Debbie, is absolutely wonderful. Which is why I am so ashamed we have done such a "just okay" job with her. One of the nice things about Debbie, however, is that her eyes are completely shut.

The first cadaver I was at today--as the instructor pulled the two halves of his head every which way to look at his neck and then his oral cavity--seemed to enjoy giving me the eye. That's right. I could see its eyes. It was absolutely horrifying. I tried to look away, but how do you look away from something looking at you? Especially when it's so human?

But he wasn't even the worst one. There was another cadaver who had a really interesting amber eye color. I wanted to look more at it, but when I realized that I was essentially gazing into this person's last unadulterated possession, I kind of lost it.

I feel a lot of guilt in anatomy lab. If I do poorly, I'm not only letting myself down, I'm essentially telling the recently deceased that I don't really care about them at all. They are clearly still human. We've removed a lot of fat and skin and muscle. We've carelessly, idiotically removed many a vessel and nerve. Yesterday we removed their legs! But they are still clearly human. And as such, I should probably feel more than just helplessness every time I walk into lab. Anatomy is by far my hardest class. But not simply because it's difficult material for me to process. It is difficult because I consciously recognize its import. Technically, Biochemistry is my hardest class, if we look only at my exam averages. But anatomy makes me feel horrible in a way I can't just argue away with simple logic. Anatomy appeals to my darkest human emotions: the image of myself, a body--one among many--laying in the various deconstructed poses of post-mortem torture is much more excruciating than knowing that I may never memorize the complete citric acid cycle*.

So I've thrown myself into studying for this lab practical. I will report on how I did the morning after Valentine's Day. That's right, we have a lab practical on Valentine's Day. Because I guess the guy who organizes exam dates figured it wasn't enough for us to just be stressed out medical students. He also wanted to make sure we wouldn't be able to enjoy the holiday. Try eating a copious amount of chocolates, or ice cream, or smelling roses, when you're bathed in the clinging stench of formaldehyde.

*Fun fact: I have memorized the citric acid cycle. It is interesting.  One of those last two sentences is a lie. Apologies.